August 10th, 2025i don't know, gang. i feel like i'm going to just speak nonsense out of my ass due to the tiredness that i'm currently experiencing (it's 3:16 am). the feeling of ruining everything at some point just goes in circles. my brain and i aren't "friends", so it's...a slippery slope when it comes to the good things that i have in life, i think. i have a feeling that i simply exist to annoy others, although i don't know if that's still true or not (i don't have it in me to test whether or not said thought is indeed true). i don't really know what to do. i want to get out of my shell more, though the spiraling and all that is more common these days than i'd like. i'd also like to...focus on how i've grown to deal with things when they get hard mentally. that's worthy of a pat on the back, i'd say. so. anoop and i have played more often, which is....something? to be able to have conversations about anything without feeling weird is nice for once. i think part of me will always feel guilty for breaking things off, but u can't exactly force urself to stay in a place u don't wanna be in, u know? i'm content with my current partner and love them to absolute bits, it's just the way anoop and i's dynamic has changed is...something i'm slowly adapting to. he'll always be one of the people i'll always consider to be closest to me, we just....are slightly different now. i think it's safe to say that we've become a bit more talkative, thanks to the agreement we made on grinding fortnite. i made that seem like a boring thing, but it's fun catching up in vc while we game. we've even managed to win some games, which is cool. i read my past entries regarding him and it's so weird knowing we wanted to move in together even before dating and the promises we made on what we'd do when we'd meet...my mind is kind of in a weird place. i think it's mainly because i wanna see both of us happy...like one day i wanna live with ian and be happy and part of me really hopes that he can find that happiness too. i pray that we both get our happy ending someday. u know i have a feeling i should stop here when i'm getting sentimental and the overthinking thoughts are winning. i just want all of us to be happy (all of us being my friends and everyone else in my life) one day. or today. i don't know. soon. i'm also typing this as a way to combat the negative thoughts from getting any stronger because i want to experience that future with ian. they really make life worth living and i don't want to let go of that feeling, no matter how bad my thoughts might get. i just know that somehow, i'm always going to have to keep fighting if i want to live to see another day. that's just how things go.
July 30th, 2025SO. ian. my honey. my love. my forever and always. is...reading my diary! hihi honey hihihihihihhihih makes me even more nervous just typing this, but my brain is holding all of these thoughts and they're asleep at the moment, so they'llllllll read it when i post all of my entries. i still can't believe that they're mine. and that we're together. 3 months almost andddddd i don't know what to tell ya. feels like a dream being loved and treated the way that i am. i wouldn't trade this feeling for anything in world, if i haven't already said this before. yknow u think u found someone really good and it wasn't until this relationship that i realized my honey truly makes me feel these intense feelings every. single. day. without fail and without showing any signs of lessening soon. i just wanna do so many cutesy things with them and, despite wishing we had met sooner, i'm so glad and grateful that we're even together at all. truly someone i want to spend the rest of my life with and- gushy liz has entered the chat hehe. the other thought that i've been having is not being able to play with parker as frequently anymore and that's gonna stink. my twin frfr. spiraled a bit yesterday, but i'm okay now. part of me fears a lot of things, but most of it is purely out of anxiety and holds no evidence, so we just skip and act as though that's not there at all! getting back into breakcore slowly but surely and i also need to grind xiv, which is something i thought i'd never say in my life. funny because i remember this one guy tried to make me play, yet when my honey mentioned it now, i actually considered trying it and did. we uhm. we share last names in that game! crazy, huh? totally uhm...yeah! the thought of also doing that irl is making me nervous im ngl- but aaaaa one day, i hope! need to make sure this lasts forever because my ian deserves nothing but the best and all of the love in the world! it's only with them that i feel as though i'm always on top of the world and i wanna feel this way for the rest of my life! i feel so cheesy and embarrassed, but then i remember the fact that i've been gushy with them before so i shouldn't think twice about it. we r so very cute together and that needs to last and last and last and- i need to sleep soonnnnn. it was nice gushing on here after a good bit hehe night alllllll x2:21 am i just realized how messed up my mental was back in like 2023-22 and i. biiig improvement, if anything. wild when i think about who i was and how i'd never be that person again.July 17th, 2025listening to cold outside by lil darkie and it's just. i feel so conflicted about life. yesterday, despite the weather being absolutely terrible, was a nice day overall. part of me feels as though there's no use or way to help me get out of the inevitable pit of despair that is depression. i love my partner and i feel blessed that i've met someone so genuine, amazing, and loving, but i often fear that i might not be enough and it sucks. i'm grateful that we're together, but i wish i was more...i guess. i know they'd tell me otherwise and how much they love me and how "perfect" i am to them, but my brain loves to make me suffer by feeding me shit that's not even true. don't even have to have a reason to get fed, it'll randomly just happen and i fucking hate it. it's 1:49 am and i should try to eat something and sleep, though that's...kinda hard to do at the moment. just got off of vc with ian and i feel so...hm. y'know, being in call with them up until 12 pm was nice. we weren't talking after we woke up, just texting, but it truly did feel like a blanket; comforting. that's the word that i was looking for. eyes are watering up as i type because i love them more than i can ever express. i feel like my words are weak compared to how much love is in my heart. i really truly am in love with them. uhm...i think...anoop has made me feel worried because he's been texting less and i know he hasn't been doing so well lately. part of me knows to leave it alone and respect his space, but then my brain goes "he's a close friend. important person. try to help asap ASAP!!!" and then i'm stuck in worry mode. i worry about everyone a little too easily, no matter what. i hate the part of me that cares, but it is what it is. not everything is in my hands/under control, and i just have to accept that. aside from the fun brain stuff, getting some time to goof off with parker is always nice. been playing a bunch of vrchat because of them and i hope we continue to play together until the inevitable happens and we can't as often. to have a close friend like them, i...absolutely insane how we became close so quickly. but i'm also happy because i've grown so much as a person because of them (as well as anoop in some ways). feel like i'm in this mood because of how my brain is, so i'm going on and on. not to mention how i feel like a bother, so i'm just on here. bleh. hope i wake up feeling better.June 26th, 2025i have been spiraling more than usual these past two weeks, which is…fun! (not) i think my reason for being so into nine inch nails is because of wanting to experience my own “full circle” moment. part of me here feels hopeful for that, at least.June 8th, 2025it’s 3:06 and i’m unable to sleep despite only getting a total of 3 hours and maybe a 30 minute nap. i just keep thinking, i guess. my sense of self is…not where i’d like it to be. feels odd just having this dark cloud hanging over my head no matter how things may currently be going for me. somehow it manages to distort any clear vision that i might have without any problems. doesn’t feel like it’ll ever get better and i’ve accepted that. don’t really know what to do now that i think i’ve officially given up on trying. nothing seems to matter now.May 29th, 2025hello! still working on the site, but i thought i'd pop in and talk because thoughts! yeah! where do i start….the fact that i'm actively recovering from a not so fun thing, and doing a pretty good job as well, along with how my brain atm is just. looping certain thoughts and won't stop!!!! i was reminded earlier about how ian manages to ruin a good moment sometimes by saying this infamous line: u rejected me. i'm- they love to tease me with that because that did happen LOL and i had my reasons as well! although, i truly do believe that i'm the luckiest girl in the world because of them and therefore the result of that is me slowly but surely finding a way to properly navigate my thoughts while feeling these intense emotions. but anywayyyyy the rambling continues and i will never get over how amazing yet terrible life manages to be at the same time. wow!!! u'd assume that the good news and slight changes would make this girl happy 100% but nooooo. brain has been throwing hands as if there is a reason to and i can't deal with it. can't believe i actually spent most of my day tweaking my site. for once i actually did what i said i'd do! i need to…take a break once i’m done. THEY SAW THIS SITE AND NOW I MUST GO HIDE UNDER A ROCK THANK U FOR READING.May 26th, 2025i am so very very very very much in love and i wish everyone always felt this way. to say that making ian blush a scarlet red wasn't something i genuinely enjoyed would be considered a lie. telling them how i truly felt made me so happy that i made zero mistakes when speaking. i'm so grateful for having the partner that i do and i hope that they also see what i see. uhm uhm...told yume about us on call a little bit ago; the nervousness was great, but being able to tell my friends who i'm with makes my heart go !!!! i love them and i could just ramble and go on and on if i could. not allowing myself to ever fully feel love when it comes to relationships has me...to allow myself to even fully feel it at all is such an odd thing, but there is NO way that i'm gonna feel it the way i did before. bwaaa.May 22nd, 2025alright! so! i don't really update this thing as often as i did before, so....news! ian has my heart and i am absolutely grateful to have them for a partner and swdiqwdwiodpjwi- feelings truly are a strange thing, the more i think about it. life has gotten both good and bad since i've last typed on here. was a little disappointed because of...certain plans being cancelled. oh vegas, how i miss u so (i've never been there in my life). being able to give it my all despite going through a very stressful relationship prior to this one never ceases to amaze me. how in the HECK does one even continue to give it her all despite the pain she's endured? a lover by nature, i swear. i am so very much in love and i need everyone to know; it's as simple as that! part of me is contemplating on deleting past entries, so if u were lucky to have read them........no u weren't! i always feel as though said entry is good enough to share and then later regret and delete because being vulnerable will never not be an easy thing for me to do. that aside, i might also publish this on my spacehey, although maybe that defeats the purpose of having a carrd and using that as my mini diary idk we'll see. what else, what else....might also redo the whole site again outta boredom while i'm at it. hmm..slowly detaching myself from anoop, which is...yeah! mixed emotions. still not sure on how to go about socializing with him after the whole break up. does not compare to ian fs, but i do wish him all the best. i also recently went to this very cute cafe with mary, which was a lot of fun! smoothies and a chicken wrap. that's it. those were my transactions. no, but being able to get out of the house for a little was definitely needed after the whole thing that happened. i hope we can hang out again soon! gave her this kuromi keychain that i managed to get and i think she liked it! but yeah, in short, a very eventful month and i've yet to say the rest. tired and need to nap sooooooooo probably won't share. see ya!April 4th, 2025i feel as though i've been choosing the wrong words when talking to others lately. not only that, but i feel so...detached? like there's no connection there and then i start overthinking and quietly lose my mind trying to piece everything together and it's....annoying, to say the least. something tells me it might start going bad again and i don't know if i can handle it this time. seems i get even more exhausted the more i have to endure certain things. i don't like it one bit. this month overall is very heavy for me.January 15th, 2025it's never getting better. bro what the fuck.January 8th, 2025i feel like someone woke up one day and said, "hey, let's make liz as miserable as we can!" and all this happened. this nightmare will never end and i have to live with that. soma by the smashing pumpkins best describes this whole shitty situation. maybe i managed to successfully gaslight myself into thinking my future was really this amazing thing just to not come to terms that i have never been deserving of anything nice in this life. save me the smashing pumpkins, the smashing pumpkins save me. i would like to mean the world to someone, but not even that is something that i deserve. sucks, man. really does. perhaps this cruel joke was something that i had coming yet chose to act dumb anyway. fuck everything.November 26th, 2024hello world i have. overexerted myself by socializing with over 11 people yesterday in an attempt to fight the urge to become a hermit and never come back again. i feel as though i should say more, but nothing feels right. cobblemon is fun when......i'm not....hungry and sleepy. that's it for now, i think.September 19th, 2024OKAY WHAT DO I SAY! a lot has happened this month that i don’t think i want to explain in full detail, BUT! finally playing with mary and im nervous and also sad because this has been one weird month. it was funnnnn; had played til almost 4 am and then i ended up playing with anoop later and ehehe. faye webster is on repeat and life feels both bad and good! eepy liz has lost her train of thought and therefore will try to nap rn. byeeeeeAugust 26th, 2024was feeling better earlier and it’s like. i think after the thing that happened, i have to see things differently when it gets bad. anyway i hope i can continue to feel okay, even if it’s not much. messy brain truly goes brrr in these moments. also, may have been called adorable so we kinda,,,, we kinda happy about that or whateva,,,, >w<”
August 22nd, 2024every person that i’ve considered myself to be “close” with feels so distant; like they’re some sort of stranger to me now, it’s….weird. i recognize that it's getting bad and i’m slowly closing myself up, but it seems like there’s no point in fighting it anymore. i work on this site in hopes of it becoming a healthy way to avoid it all, but it hasn’t really worked in the way that i wanted it to. might remove the music page later, i’m not sure how i feel about it rn. my only fear is me giving off the wrong impression on those close friends and them thinking i hate them or something and then we slowly stop talking as much as we do. yesterday’s entry was…a clear idea on how agitated i am towards everything because the sadness never seems to end and i hate what it does to me. my friends do help, my only problem is seeing everyone as temporary, and so there are times where i don’t take their advice to heart and only agree for the sake of changing the subject. it’s really bad, yeah, but i wanna work on that now. not when i’m better, just..now. gosh, do i hope and pray that this goes away soon. i can’t take any of this anymore and i don’t know what to do if it continues. ugh. >:August 5th, 2024well the hyper fixations are…..hyperfixating, that's for sure. the want to see and read fight club has never been this great (i lied. it was a couple of weeks back) and i've yet to find it the times i've gone shopping. did find the chucky collection tho and….well, now i can rewatch and finish watching the movies i've never had the chance of watching now. also obsessed with labyrinth. but i'm blaming david bowie for that one, so it's different. i don't know…..i don't feel happy, but i'm also not on the verge of having another crying session???? would numb be the accurate description for this??!?? i don't know.July 31st, 2024disregard any hopeful entry that i have made in the past; the time to give up fully is now! it's been getting…bad and the fact that no one's caught up to it yet is really surprising. either i'm hiding this really well or no one cares. for the sake of being oh so logical, let's go with the second one.July 12th, 2024in many ways i find that i desperately try to abandon the old me and her almost nihilistic view of the world. can’t say it’s been the easiest, although i do know that it’s gonna lead me to better things if i try to.June 30th, 2024in the internal storm that never seems to end, i wonder if dropping certain people would do me some good. i now accept the fact that being open with someone is something i’ll never get to fully do; somewhere, somehow, this facade of mine will be there. i feel the distance, yet i say nothing. maybe it’s all in my head, like it always is.June 12, 2024been feeling like my old self and it’s such an odd on/off feeling. u think u go through months and months of self improvement and then when u find that it’s easy to throw it in the trash and be ur old self within a second, u start to question if it’s even worth getting better in the first place. at least that’s how i’ve felt. i don’t really like the old me. she may have had some issues that seemed like they were beyond repair, but she was…unlikeable in many ways. confident that the people in my life wouldn’t like her at all…so it doesn’t help that she sometimes comes up for air when no one told her to. certain thoughts annoy me…certain things annoy me even more. i want to be better. i don’t know how i’ll do it, but i refuse to succumb to my old ways. i also want to squash those thoughts of inadequacy…i have a lot of work to do. i like the positive direction that i’m going and i’d hate to throw a year and some months of progress down the drain. hmm.May 25, 2024i am. Simultaneously blessed but also an idiot. hi. it’s nice to meet ya. name’s liz. but u already knew that…..somehow. my thoughts are not to be trusted right now; i am..not me, if that makes any sense. i guess i wanted to say something here after getting 8 whole hours of sleep yesterday (wow, she actually sleeps!), even though it’s currently 1 in the am. i just wish that day would come, and that life was different because of that day. my attachments towards certain things aren’t there atm and life feels good because of it. i feel like i can live a full life but also want to die at a certain time and it’s scary that i can’t seem to find a middle ground and see everything in such a black and white way. or like i’m never enough for those who are in my life, despite them telling me otherwise and it’s them telling me that i’m worthy of good things in this life. i have the biggest crush on someone and my gosh i am NOT about to ruin it with a miscalculation on my part. while i fear i can’t complete them, i dunno…let’s just say i’m holding back on wanting to spill my heart out at this very moment. i just love every bit of them, superficial parts aside. but i also hope it all works out one day. listening to electric dandelions on repeat while being in ur head is something else…don’t uhhh…advise anyone else to do the same. to not be constantly worried about every human interaction ever is an ideal life, not gonna life. also decided i wasn't gonna be like that one person, so i'm looking back on old entries and deleting some. maybe i can look at life from a different angle; one that isn't like that, y'know? we're all different, after all. none of that makes any sense without a sliver of context. would much rather keep it than way from everyone. thinking about redoing the whole site, so we'll see. i just want something that screams ME!!!, and not an obvious copy from something i decided to heavily take inspiration from. been talking to rox a bit more consistently on that terrible app and i’m happy because i love talking to her and i’m working on replying quicker. hate ig, but i love my friend, so i’m making the effort. slowly. 4 am now. yikes.8 pm. those specific thoughts still plague my mind. am i truly worthy of such a thing? i don't think so……gotta clear my mind..May 10, 2024i feel like i am the luckiest girl in the world.so anyways. 8 pm. bored.in other news, the things all of my friends have told me just. LIKE ARE WE ALL DELUSIONAL OR IS IT TRUE LMFAO literally it's like, “same thing, different person” omg. i so badly want to believe it, but i will play dumb until something happens. if i get my hopes up and it goes bad, there will be tears. a whole ocean. and i'm going to drown in it somehow. i'll find a way. can already feel the potential embarrassment sjsnjsksks. >:ALSO. slept like a normal person AND was able to take a nap. feel so. happy. so. proud. because these past few days have been painful and i wasn't able to sleep, no matter what i did. like my brain refused to let me rest for even an hour. hoping tonight's the same and after that and so on and so forth.i wish i was able to word things instead of using “same here” or “me too” when my brain is cooking up a whole response. trying to word whatever is going on up there can be…ugh. like it's hard to vocalize it and i wish the other person automatically knew how i felt. i know certain people already do understand me when i can't word anything for the life of me, but i wish that applied to everyone.i swear, i had a whole paragraph that i wanted to type, but it left….not surprised. mehhh. gonna go distract myself for a bit now.May 8, 2024have been playing with anoop for a few days now and i’m Happy??? he complimented my voice and was like “if u were next to me right now just talking i’d be happy” like WHAT?!? i don’t know HOW he’s able to say things like that without getting embarrassed….me, on the other hand? i hesitate and feel funny after i press send. nice to know that we now have a backlog and aren’t limited to like one or two games. very grateful that he got mhgu for me. how nice of him. i also find it slightly cute that we're both happy to play said games with each other and overall just love spending time together. i really, really hope we can meet one day. i wanna hug him like u will not believe. and get proper sleep, also. oh, that and my mom now knows about him LMAO had to….explain and show her what he looked liked. wanted to dieeeee. he thought it was funny sobsssss.umumum what else can i sayyyy…..racing thoughts have made it almost IMPOSSIBLE for me to sleep, so i’m just here……with burning eyes and wishing death would take me instead. not even depressed, i don’t think, just full of thoughts and i wish it wasn’t this bad. 1 am and i’m hoping i knock out in an hour, maybe. should be working on the site, but i’ll plan that later, i think; right now i enjoy things a little too much to be stuck to the computer screen and making little to no human contact both irl and online. may that become the better option when life is too hard and i want to leave early.the night isn’t exactly getting any younger (3 am) and i’m still up fuuuuuu. thinking really got me acting up, huh? wanna do…the thing…but idk if it’s acceptable if i’m trying to be normal now lol so we just….fight it, i suppose? yeah? i dunno anymore. making drafts for the site, but i’ve yet to actually make it….my hours on yume nikki are gonna increase even more at this rate. i like having madotsuki in the background when i’m working on something; it’s fun to just move around when i need a small break. might have to use the original site i made as like. the blueprint? i can do thissssssssssss. just need to lock in like i did the first time and the site should be done within a week, maybe….just maybe. my favorite word. blaming nick for that, since he uses it ALL THE TIME. i don’t like that people rub off on me and i adopt their mannerisms and way of speaking….so ughh. but that’s how things go.looking at my carrd and potential site and it’s like…..maybe i don’t have to add that thing and make it completely different. more freedom on the other site, after all!gotta make time for parker, nick, mary, and rox. definitely rox. she’s my best friend and i often text back like days or a week later and i feel horrible. i don’t use ig that much, so texting me on there is literally the equivalent to writing a letter and sending it through the mail. seldom do i text back within that same day, but i just hate texting on there. i hate that app in general. die.just realized that most people that i know are reading this and that’s….hAH. i am normal i am normal i am normal i am nor[enter the most normal diary entry known to man here]. that’s it. that’s the whole entry. might add more if i rememberrrrralso, bless gute for hearing me gush about [redacted]. ily and never change <333 also, the iron being hot is something we both won't ever know, probably. hehe. <3AND I SLEPT AT 7 AM. AHHHH. going insane and there's nothing that i can do about it. taking melatonin is on the list of possibilities, but i wanna see if i can fix this problem some other way first. the only thought that goes around in my brain is cat cafe. i need to go there. i have to go there. see the cute kitties and then die feeling accomplished. pretty sure i can go if i asked. just wanna see those cattssssss. oh, to be a cat mom would be The Dream. ideally a calico cat….or an orange one….or a black one. figuring out a name is another thing, too….we worry about that one day, not today.the realization that i might not actually off myself in this lifetime is….hmm. because like. certain people make living tolerable, which means they make me happy, and connecting the dots show that dying is off the table because i'm happy. for now. i'm kidding. i hope. but then there's always that lingering fear of losing said people because i might not be “good enough”, and that leads to wanting to keep them all to myself. big no no. i know it's not the healthiest of mindsets, but it's one that i happen to own. i don't act on it, so i guess that counts as a healthy way to deal with it. no sabotaging any of these good things, liz.MUST SHUT UP NOW UNLESS SOMETHING ELSE COMES UP.OKAY SOMETHING ELSE CAME UP. i was thinking (as always hehe haha) AND IM SO HAPPY. AHHHHH. SO NERVOYSSS…I SWEAR WHAT ROX SAID MIGHT JUST ACTUALLY BE IT IT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE TRUEMay 2, 2024GOODDD MORNINGGG GANGGGG!!!! one hour of sleep and i feel like this migraine is gonna kick my butt, but i have to do things today, so that's not really much of an option for me. wish i was able to sleep last night….not sure why these darn thoughts kept me up all night.11 pm now hi hello how are all of u lovely people doing? ANYWAYS. kind of dumb to feel hurt when u literally drew the stupid line in the first place. just. ugh. u cant expect everything to be the same when the other person clearly does not want that. idk man. was not built for [redacted] - get that OUT OF HERE.tired of feelings and peopleeeeee.April 27, 2024i like how it’s always “sleep well when u do” because almost everyone knows how much of a night owl i am.missing rhiannon, but i’d never go back to that circle, i don’t think. being treated like a joke while constantly wearing a facade is never the move. contacting nick or just communicating with him in general makes me fear that he’ll invite me back to that server again one day….maybe i’m just overthinking it, though. who really knows.my mind has been soooooo. full. of thoughts. about everything. and everyone. i wish things were different….there's no point in thinking like that, is there?i also hope i can one day be really expressive instead of pouring my heart out when it's absolutely necessary or when it's too late.nervous….still….fuuuuuuuApril 26, 2024life has felt…pretty weird lately. i have about five individuals who make all this suffering worth it, somehow. i sit and reflect on if anything is even worth going through anymore. it’s 3:06 am and i’m tired, yet i have the unexplainable urge to type an entry before bed, even if it won’t be as eventful as i’d like it to be. everything around me feels so….cold; hard to explain what i mean by that.sal’s been texting me a bit more ever since that thing with parker….i honestly don’t know how to respond to it all, but hey, more people to text with, so it’s not really much of a bother. i love sal to the moon and back.katie has been an absolute helper with regulating all of…this. hope that thing with her fiance (?) goes well. she. deserves. the. World. girlie gossip night needs to happen one day….i’ve not mentioned this, but we need this. I need this. get all of these feelings out of my chest and as far away from me as possible. rest in peace, u bothersome pieces of [redacted].just talking and getting close to most people has been quite the Experience. liz making possible meaningful connections?! maybe. would be quick to say no, as i would much rather sleep away my days and maybe die in my dreams, but i still need to do more work so….No. grrr people scary and stupid, stay away from me Grrr.
April 9, 2024learning german with parker last night was…quite the experience; hope we can do this more often. feels weird yet nice that i have someone who can learn alongside me. that and, gosh they’re so funny. big silly goose. and a bully. but i genuinely love being in vc with them…..i hope the same can be said about me too….would stink to be seen as an annoyance. i think they enjoy talking to me so…..overthinking shouldn’t even be an option.regardless, the thought of death, as well as the act in itself, is something that i so badly would love to do now.the sunlight bleeds into my room, yet nothing feels real; staring at the window and my curtains results in me perceiving the surroundings around me as dream-like. i'm suddenly reminded of 2018 and the memories associated with it.everything feels so distant and scary. i could stay here forever.had my plans not been thwarted, i might've not been stuck in this flesh prison and having a crisis every other week. it's been a bit more frequent as of late, though.oh, to be able to live alone in complete isolation if it meant i could live as my true self – i'd accept that in a heartbeat.i don't know what i’m doing anymore.March 7, 2024new day, but just. a very clouded mind. i feel like everyone hates me? or is annoyed by my presence, at least. very tempted to just be silent for a bit and maybe return at a later date. i don't know yet. 12:43 am, yet i wish the day was over already. sleepiness might be the reason why i feel this way, but i genuinely hope life improves.literally said goodnight to like three people, and here i still am, awake when i should be asleep and not typing how i truly feel at the moment. i think the weight of lying really catches up to u; anything to not make those who claim to "care" about u worry. it's an exhausting skill, and i can't imagine how i'm able to still keep everything together while also falling apart with every waking moment.i'm just having an off....week? day? i don't know anymore. i just have this feeling that i'm either a.) becoming boring, b.) an annoyance, or (my personal favorite) c.) BOTH!12:55 am.....i better log off and write more later. gonna be busy, so we'll see if that changes anything. might just have a change of plans and work on my personal carrd instead. who knows! the possibilities have always been endless.actually - scratch that - i might just isolate and work on that instead. maybe that'll help me in some way. i can't be too bothered to care about my various platonic relationships at the moment.definitely a plan i absolutely CANNOT - for various reasons - mess up. i want it to look presentable and procrastinating for a literal YEAR or MORE is NOT gonna make it look as such.four hours of sleep…well, about. i must push through these (quite literally) tiring times.ended up staying up a little longer working on a certain section of my website and regret it.silliest thing i could pull off was wearing colorful clothes while being in an angry mood….which i hate every second of because it doesn't express how i truly feel. only did it for the sake of convenience (aka the weather).i feel like all i've been doing is saying the wrong things without even trying. like i end up saying something completely stupid and wonder if i am ruining what i have without ever realizing in the moment, or if it's the lack of sleep that's the cause for that.change of topic, i am. Back from the store and got the two things i wanted to buy for someone and i'm. Happy. now to ship it to them in due time….i'm sure they would be elated to see this. they mentioned wanting it once and i….i couldn't help myself. i am Dumb.i also bought a miku figure as well for that missing serotonin.my mind just came up with a plan, but i don't think i will do…that. nothing bad, just not good either, LOL.i can never really be happy, can i? whenever someone i care about is happy because of someone else, i get. Jealous??? like they're gonna leave me as well and all the effort that i put into this friendship was all for naught and that they won't care about me anymore. i know that's just my mind and it's not like that at all, but i don't know why my mind has to always be against me. what did i do to get that?so the girls (me, myself, and i) have decided to maybe not make my identity and diary entries about a certain thing. will probably keep it in a doc in case my mental health hits the fan and i need to retreat to a not so good place, but we ain't tolerating that at the moment.also about the so-called “working on the site and isolating myself”.....we did NOT do that. very, very….disappointed in myself for that. hmm. but also i shouldn't be because i know what i would actually do and what i wouldn't.and i also took a 2 hour nap. have not been keeping my word today.will probably end the day still staring at my screen, not having done ANYTHING different besides add one (1) image to my carrd. MAN.hmmm maybe i’ll just stay up playing doom til i can’t. night all.March 6, 2024hello people inside my screen, i am back on my puter, and have A LOT to say about this week.
now....how do i go about this, exactly...?
things have been said, lore has been dropped, feelings have been...felt?
for someone who rots all day, she sure has had QUITE the interesting take on life as of late.
hmm...but i wanna say that i am Forever grateful for this one person and - even though we often talk about how glad we are that we met - maybe us not dying even when it was possible DID have its purpose, after all. just two troubled souls finally meeting and befriending one another. two VERY similar souls. all is well in the world again. it has to be.
he's so pretty, admittedly. like. ugh. i don't see him that way, but anoop's just a very pretty human being and it's actually not fair. actually sobbing in the corner rn.
like he now knows about the thing that mimi knew and it's so scary being so vulnerable with ANYONE, i find. like. WHY IS IT SO EMBARRASSING FOR ME?! one day i will find that answer, but i fear that won't be today.
wild liz moment happening. oh gosh. gushing over someone i care a ton about is one of my favorite hobbies, and i never plan on dropping it.
would it be bold to consider him to be just as important as mimi? no....it wouldn't; he's like near that, though. important in his own right, but never near her's. although mimi and i naturally drifted apart, i do sometimes get the urge to reach out and talk again...
i will always love her and see her as a role model in some way. maybe things were planned to go this way from the beginning. i honestly won't ever know the actual answer for this.
at the end of the day, they'll both mean the world to me in a different kind of way, and me being friends with him and having the friendship that we do is....refreshing, to say the least. i thank god every single day for letting us meet; for letting us find someone on this forsaken rock that actually GETS certain stuff.
we actually have made little promises on the things we'd do when we meet irl. he's very adamant that we will meet, so, i don't know. i am shaking as i type that. hands so....jittery....it's not fun, but u better believe me when i say i can't wait for that day.
he's so pure in his own little way, and i find that to be an admirable trait of his. this sounds like i'm in love with him......i'm......not........
granted, i feel very intensely and often have to calm myself down from believing the lies my brain tends to feed me, but i think i've been normal....so far. i hope. it stays like that. i feel like that same self-sabotaging mindset is what makes others leave, and i am NOT here for it this year. or ever. again.
so we out here improving ourselves or whateva. ꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱₊˚⊹
been staring at this for too long.....i go play games mnow.January 7, 2024typing this while being in a walmart has got me thinking about the (unfortunate) yet eventful day i had yesterday, which wasn't recorded, for some reason, lol.
quietly cut ties with the people who clearly aren't meant for me, yet i stuck around for a whole year anyway, as well as getting a surprise from [redacted] and being completely annoyed by it.
first off, life feels freeing and i feel like a weight has been lifted off of these small shoulders, and second, i don't have feelings for that person anymore, which is great.
u would think that the relapse i had earlier this month was going to be the only bad thing to have happened to me, but nooooo, how dare i be that naive and think that life is that simple.
i like how it takes being beyond bored in a walmart to make me instantly realize my life decisions, and why things are the way that they have been going.
all i know is i'm running on 3-4 hours of sleep, and i wanna knock out when i get the opportunity to.
life iz but izn't fun atm.
now it's 10:27 pm and i have to call it a night or else i will probably lose my sanity if i don't get any proper sleep.January 5, 2024wow...so. first off, hi, my name is [redacted], or liz, to most people. i uhhh, kind of decided to start my own little "online diary" purely on a whim.
ANYWAYS! so life......life's felt kind of odd, strange, lately. i honestly never thought i'd reach a point where i'd make online friends, or even like not mind human interaction for once. very proud of the progress i've slowly been making in terms of being more outgoing. talking to interesting people is so exciting, and i hope i can always do that.
but if we're on the subject of people, i do hope that i can remove any/all negative friends from my life, even if that's the hardest thing for me to do. still contemplating about that, even when the answer is obvious.
(part of me hopes that my friends don't ever see this.....however, i pretty much signed up for that the moment i decided to publicly post this, lol.)
wowowoww soooooo.....book clubs. cool, right? a couple of my friends decided it'd be cool if we gathered together and discussed the books that we would all be reading. i was instantly down, and hope that joining this club will reduce my screen time, lol. don't think i'm picky when it comes to the genre, so i honestly cannot wait for the first book to read!
what else, what else......using this site on pc totally has a different feel on it than on mobile, and i think i'm starting to prefer it; of course, i know that it's probably ideal to experience this site on pc, but i am far too lazy, and therefore settle for mobile most of the time.
i miss talking to kisin, but i understand that her life's been busy lately. her wife is really sweet, and i hope that maybe we can play stardew valley together one day! that'd be nice. <:
sitting here really makes me appreciate the fact that jim, jane, soy, shadow, ichi, sal, as well as the other new friends i've made last year are actually my friends??? like it's wild to not have to deal with people who make fun of others because of who they are. they're so accepting, and nice, and kind, that i wanna just give em all one big GIANT hug!!! it's embarrassing to state that, really.
it's almost 3 am, and i should probably go to bed, HOWEVER, my little noggin's got like so many thoughts racing through my tiny mind right now. too many to jot down on the spot, but i promise they're good!!!!
probably will end it here, and start writing here more often; i too like to read the online diaries of other people, hehe.
no cuz before i leave,,,, like why am i so obsessed with your face by wisp????? rip my last.fm lmfaooooo; stats go crazy fr.
til i write again !October 25, 2023for the past two days, i've been feeling so disconnected from everything; things around me feel so unreal and dreamy….numb feeling inside me.stinks. not my first rodeo, but it stinks.
September 19, 2023sometimes....sometimes it's hard to state/describe how i feel, exactly. there are times where i'd like to scream how i feel on a rooftop, but today is....different. part of me wishes to be able to easily express how i feel and not be judged. my mind is messy, at best, but i'm getting there somewhat. i wanna type a whole paragraph, but nothing seems to come out; only words that seem to beat around the bush.i feel sad and tired, but surprisingly, not so angry. my eyes burn, yet i still type on here. convinced that my slowly decaying health is gonna kill me someday, but i keep getting lucky with my escapes. that won't always be the case, though.talking to new people and it tires me like you have no idea. hoping that i can keep them......mind makes me think that NONE of my friends care about me, so that's........great. maybe dying is something i probably SHOULD do after all.11:13 pm and i'm still awake. do i hate myself? probably, yeah.i know that my friends care, my brain is just too convincing without even trying at times. man, i hate this.where should i go from here? where do i start? so many questions, so little time.will wrap this up now. Goodbye.December 30, 2022keeping everything to myself seems to be the move lately; my mind is just fucked, it seems.tomorrow is (obviously) the last day of the year and i still can't believe that.i want to escape this flesh prison that is my body andNovember 27, 2022hi, uhm, so i know i don't write on here as often as i used to when i first, y'know, made this, but……how's it going?man, where do i fucking start? so, basically, life's kinda good and kinda weird right now."what do you mean by that?" you may be asking. well, i feel like i don't belong with certain people anymore.now don't get me wrong – they're pretty amazing people (when they don't open their mouths), but it's funny how morally different they are from me, and how that somehow makes this whole "friendship" thing work (pretty sure they'd hate me if they really knew me, though. being bi and all).that and i find myself feeling frustrated with the things that once brought me endless joy; i just want to curl up in a ball and scream into a void. almost feels like it'll never get better.got my first job, so that's pretty cool. have not told anyone about it, since i don't see it as a big deal, but it makes me feel like i'm making some sort of progress in my life. funny how the little things feel monumental.June 8, 2022hi okay so out of sheer boredom, i am writing this at exactly 12:56 p.m. and boy do i have a lot to say (as per usual).life just feels a bit different and i can't place my finger on how, it just is. things feel off, almost, and it's like i'm walking in this dream that feels unreal. does that make any sense? i hope it does.tired. very tired.May 21, 2022kind of sort of glad that i'm not in more contact with certain people; they're annoying little shits and i hate them with every fiber of my being. my thoughts about them are not pleasant. i try to successfully ignore them lest they (successfully) provoke me with stupid shit.May 17, 2022been awhile, eh? well, not really, i meant to write here but i keep forgetting. a good sign, maybe? who knows.been feeling real unimportant and that's not cool. the ol' reliable that is my brain is convincing me (and doing a damn good job if i do say so myself) that everyone hates me and pushing them away is the Best Plan in the world. fun fun stuff, apparently.fast replies make me happy. like stupid happy. that is all.May 15, 2022[first half is redacted for various reasons.]so many unwanted thoughts, it's not even funny.May 12, 2022[enter "alive alone" here while reading this entry] hehe.i was going through my music library on last.fm and saw a song that reminded me of what paula said.i had forgot how the conversation started, but she said that "gutter girl" was like my "theme song", to which i was confused about, but i think i see it now. probably the best compliment i've ever been given.i miss her a lot. despite being younger than i am, she always seemed way cooler than me. this feeling of not being "enough" when i hung out with her never failed to be present. hope life's been treating her well. wish we could talk again soon….have been eating more and getting better, which i hate, but is much needed if i want to live a normal happy life again (it was never really "normal" to begin with, but you know what i mean). boy am i hating it so much, though.it's an odd feeling knowing that people read this and can judge how you are based on this alone; then again, i like reading other people's online entries. it's become a hobby that i (sometimes) find myself spending an hour on the net, only to forget about them and read someone else's.again, i want to make my own neocities, but i am far too lazy to deal with html like. Why? WHY? why is html such a pain in the ass? i remember having to add html to some entries that i made and using <i>this</i> is so annoying. i like that carrd - while stupidly limited - doesn't ask much of me, though i can't express myself fully on it. ehhh, both has its pros and cons, just like anything.online entries are fun. this is fun. this is also pointless because i've run out of shit to say. oof.May 10, 2022wow okay so hello there all been a hot minute since i've thought about writing on here.i want to drive again and get a job and not be stuck in this shithole of a home anymore. life in itself isn't too bad here, but i want to experience some sort of freedom before i (inevitably) stop existing on this shitty rock and go elsewhere.i always find myself between the lines of saying what's truly on my mind and keeping most of it to myself because no one will understand.things are confusing because of [redacted], so that's been going on….man, all i wanted was happiness and a trauma-free life, but what do i get? shit. that's what.been toying with the thought of uploading my unfinished site on neocities or something, but that's gonna take too much time and i probably won't even work on it that often. not a busy person, just lazy.one thing about björk's music is how it has the power to make me live a simpler life like???? i don't know; makes me wanna use a flip phone and delete all social media. i feel like there's a disclaimer that you always have to make because - while i do love her music - it's not like "björk's stalker" level, just your average music lover opinion thing. yeah. still can't imagine how that must've fucked her up, like i couldn't pour my obsession onto a celebrity. she is very inspiring, though. her live nrk u 1993 performance of "come to me" will forever be my favorite; everyone looks like they're feeling the music while playing. it's beautiful.oof been talking too much, gonna write again soon. see ya!April 30, 2022things have been lining up often and it's freaking me out; won't get into the specifics of it, but that's kind of what's been happening lately.April 28, 2022ANYWAYSINTHEHOW i am…..not sure what i want. LIKE. i don't mind not talking to anyone, but at the same time i really want to open up to others and ACTUALLY SAY SOMETHING IN TJE FUCKING SERVER SHIT THINF THAT RHIANNON INVITED ME TO JOIN FUCK. it's…..hard to say the least on what i want to do.the thought of having full-blown conversations with people i don't know is fucking arduous.fuck i fell asleep and then forgot i was writing this, but BASICALLY i'm gonna work on being more social. i Think. i don't know yet. i never know.should probably end this entry here because god knows i don't know what else to fucking say at this point.
April 18, 2022hello everyone, figured i should type my current thoughts at the moment because [redacted], so here i am! who wants go listen to liz ramble?! well, grab a seat and make yourself comfortable!i have not gone out of my way to message anyone - however - i do respond back whenever a new text comes along. it's not even because i have like this "OH I'M WAYYYY BETTER THAN ALL OF U LOSERS!!!!!" mentality, it's mainly because i've gotten used to not socializing and being alone and yeah! pretty fun stuff, if you ask me! (not.)as silly as it sounds, video games currently give me an incentive to live AT THE MOMENT, however there is björk's music as well. god, i want her coloured cassette set, but i also want to invest in shit that i actually need (or want). hmmmm. can't buy that set just yet.when given the opportunity i will kill myself just. just not right now. i admit, there are times where life seems bearable and i fantasize about living a life alone and being in a bookstore and (possibly) having a library filled with all of my favorite books that i've yet to encounter (including my pre-existing favorites) and just chilling, you know? living a quiet life, even if it's not always going to be filled with people in it – i am a hermit, after all. what the hell am i trying to achieve, a whole circus?!? not that the people that i was trying to befriend are weird or anything, but too many human relationships drain the ever living fuck out of me. i like my small circle now, even if we don't text each other each and every day; i like the minimal contact.i'm not a talkative person, even if some of these long entries might say otherwise; i've always been a quiet person who happens to have her whole focus towards her head and fucked up thoughts most of the time.well, that's it for me. might play some games or something, so seeeee yaaaa!April 17, 2022had fun today, methinks. i'm getting more and more comfortable with this solitude (that was not self chosen, by the way) and i don't know anymore; not who i am or if anything truly matters. my mind is fuckey again; it really does suck to be me.April 12, 2022hmm hmmmm……i am doubting certain aspects of myself and am considering a healthy dose of repression. i'm tempted to, even if it's not gonna benefit me positively. we loooovvveeee unhealthy coping mechanisms in this house! (sarcasm….maybe.)April 6, 2022tempted to pretend it's 2018 and ignore everyone completely. is it so hard to have friends that actually care about you or???? starting to believe that it is.not me doing more for others and them not doing the same in return. it's things like this that push me even further to the edge and realize how unimportant i am to everyone. it's stupid, but i'm really close to my limit and just plotting a way outta this hellhole that is this existence of mine. i've got like….two plans max in mind right now.it's not even because of them, like i (if you haven't already gotten the hint from my previous entries) wanna stop living. just take that final breath and "go gentle into that good night", if you catch my drift.i've found a sort of solace in writing entries on this site, since i don't really have anyone to talk to. quite a sad way to go about this life, but hey, it's one of the many! just one of the less favorable, if you ask me. can't really complain since it's not like i don’t get constantly drained from social interaction.not sleeping and only thinking about shit so much only fuels the need to waffle into the fucking void that is this online journal of mine. it's my little odd sanctuary and i like it; it's not much, but it's a little safe place for me.analee reassured me about everyone, and she's right. it only proves how twisted my thought process is and how i should try to change that. just. not now. too busy getting ready for my mentally deranged era comeback. these things take a lot of preparation, you know! but in all seriousness, she's right. glad she's around too.current go to for my hehe sad lonely girl hours is hole in the earth by deftones. it hits differently right now. that and lunchbox friends by melanie martinez, as well as agony by yung lean. ah yes, the only holy trinity able to carry me during these mentally shitty times. really love deftones, though. did i mention how i have them as number one on my last.fm? well, now i have! chino's voice, man. something about that damn voice that's so fucking good. honestly cannot fathom how amazing it is. but it is.well, it is now 2 am at the time of this entry, and i should probably head to bed. had fun throwing my sleep deprived thoughts to the Void™️ tonight. will probably do these when i can't sleep or something. HAH watch me write these during the day instead.anyhow, i am out! till we meet again.April 5, 2022today is the day that we lost two legends who will never cease to leave an important mark in my heart – kurt cobain and layne staley. god, i love both of them immensely. words cannot describe it but that previous sentence will have to suffice (for now).the fact that my aunt and uncle are going to colorado because of my uncle's work makes me heavily detest them because i too would like to go there just once, but i hate both of them and they're only going to question me about my sexuality and shit while also feeling like they have to walk on eggshells around me, so no way. would like to go on my own or with a friend sometime, maybe that'll be a blast or something. who knows. but just not with them. never. ever. nope nope.had a random thought just now on wearing nothing but black clothing with a heavy black coat in this sweltering weather as punishment for my existence. literally. this is not a joke; i hate simply existing and i just hate me, myself, and i. the whole squad. but that's fine, the internal hatred against myself is normal at this point.there are certain artists that i listen to that trigger me enough to remind myself that i hate my body but i love them too much to just hate them. my parents truly are the most selfish yet they tell me that. HAH. I THINK THE FUCK NOT but okay.the feminine urge to know what the fuck i am doing with my life at this point. or every point. it really doesn't matter.what is this entry, i wonder? i was inspired to write again after reading someone's online diary and wowie are they interesting. i finally summoned the courage to write my real thoughts without really giving any kind of shit this time. that is two pats on the back for me!anyways, gonna maybe play some bioshock and listen to the silent hill soundtracks on repeat, see ya!April 1, 2022april fools, everyone! i'll try to not make these entries too consistent, even if i do think i have something of importance to say. is it possible to just be permanently sad just because you're constantly aware of your own existence? because i feel like that's a thing that just really drives me crazy and i wonder just how i'm still alive and granted another day to experience.feel like such a huge bother people, if i'm gonna be frank here. i know i'm probably not; someone would've already said something, right?....right?! ah yes, the wonders of overthinking and depression. great. wonderful. (not. never.)i just- i don't know why i suddenly think that someone's vibe completely changes just because they don't fully spell out a word or their response is too short. it suddenly feels like it's my fault; like i'm the reason why they texted that way. i'm a whole idiot, if you haven't caught on already. nice to meet you!i don't want to seem "mean" by constantly declining their offers or ignoring them while i act as though i never saw their message - when in fact - i did. there are days where i'm too into my mind and i don't want to socialize in any way.so that was a ton over something so small. not surprised, however i wish i thought normally like most people. it's funny cause it snowballs from "omg r u mad at me" to "wowow this person TOTALLY hates my existence and sees me as annoying, how can i ever recover from this, if it's something that i can even recover from?!".ate two peanut butter sandwiches and oh boy is the regret even greater than the irrational fear of being abandoned by the people that i care most about. man were they good, but the aftermath of eating just isn't it, man. it never is.ah yes, my paranoia is once again acting like it's no one's business again. wish it wasn't always like that; it makes it hard to focus on shit without thinking about horrible shit that probably won't happen. whenever it gets this bad, i tend to feel like this for a couple of hours before it dissipates. it's mainly from my social anxiety and how certain people make me nervous and i don't want to make them mad so i just go with the flow and yeah. sucks and it's not fun to go through.gonna try to take my mind off of stuff for a while and see if that works. i can't really think of anything effective, but i'm gonna see if i can read a book or sit outside and take in the fresh air; perhaps that'll make me think of other things and push away the nervousness/paranoia.my mind really sucks sometimes.March 30, 2022good afternoon everyone, i literally just ate a snack and am now regretting it, but what's new! i have to get better so it's……not getting better, but i keep making it hard on myself, so it's mainly my fault, if anything. too scared to gain but still frustrated somehow and yearning to just get better already. oof so much to deal with.lately i've been questioning the motives of the people around me; specifically if their sincerity is as genuine as they try to make it seem. perhaps it's just my brain being a total asshole and letting me think that no one cares when in fact, they "do". ugh.was yesterday not my day? i like to think so.i like how i try to refrain from talking to certain people and yet, here i am, mentioning them again! wow! what's the difference? why try to remake my diary in the first place?! ahhhhh. this Sucks.but yes, today has been pretty slow and chill so far. dinner was delicious and i finally got a new gaming headset, since i accidentally broke the mic when i took a nap (oops). i still use my broken one as regular headphones, since it still works pretty good!....minus the dangling broken mic. it doesn't really bother me at all. if i just. don't move my head in any and every direction, it's not annoying! ((((: still not getting rid of it, haha.gonna spend an hour or so redoing my carrd, so let's see how that goes, huh? it's not gonna look as good as i want it to be, but maybe a little change in appearance will do it some good right now.the feminine urge to watch crimson peak tonight. ugh it's such a good movie. idc what anyone says, it just is. oh!! maybe girl, interrupted too??? wowow tonight really does feel like a movie night. i seldom watch movies (for some fucking reason???). like i can watch one, but i get bored easily that i either pause it and do something else and watch it later OR stop watching it altogether, there is no in-between. wish i had the patience to watch one because there are some that seem pretty interesting and i really wanna check them out.hmmm………let's see how that goes for me when i decide to actually check out those movies, or any movie, for that matter. ehhhh i probably won't check them out, but it was nice complaining about it for a bit. definitely a habit that i have to fix sometime in the future….or now, if i care enough to. i mean, it's not like i don't, i'm just. too. lazy. yeah, that's what it is.also! while we're at it, i wanna get back into some kpop groups and solo artists but like. i am once again going to mention just how emotionally invested i get with songs that i have heard, that it makes me not want to check out their new releases and stuff. it's not even a kpop problem, i do it with basically anyone that i listen to hahah. dang, i do have some habits that i have to work on.well, logging off now!
March 29th, 2022decided to redo this since, well, i seem to just ramble on and on about the same things and it seemed futile to make new entries if you were basically going to read about the same shit over and over again. i will say that i regret writing about the same people that clearly don't care about me (aha).josh said that i was going to find someone who'll like me for me, and i just hope that he's right about that. words cannot describe just how grateful i am to have him as a friend. he's cool and yeah! he can be a bit of an asshole, but he means well; feelings aren't his forte, so he has a bit of difficulty expressing his feelings. i understand, since the same sort of applies to me, but he's getting better with it and i'm proud of him. hopefully i can also get better with that, too.i don't know, i just have a ton on my mind right now. just very relieved about that thing. i've got a shit ton of issues and trying to impress some idiot is not on the agenda.i also added some entries that i couldn't seem to part with. they're stupid, but i'm also stupid and i love them. this small black kitten keeps bugging me while i type this, but they're so adorable like i can't even be mad, honestly.thinking about may; specifically on how special that month seems to me.hopefully i can write what's actually on my mind and not filter them this time. i hate when i do that, makes me feel disingenuous.life is kinda weird at the moment, i guess one could say. wish it was a bit more simpler. will be ensconced in my room, listening to music so that's the plan for the rest of the day. really need to think a lot of shit through. tired of feeling this way.March 26th, 2022consistency with writing entries? perhaps. maybe. nope. BUT i’m not sure when i'll play with nick and rhiannon again, but i really do enjoy their company. i can't even lie about that. same goes for mary as well. i like playing with people that i know; it sort of helps me forget that i'm dealing with some shit and i genuinely smile and laugh. it really is a good escape from everything.today was just awful. my anger had been just as bad as it was four years ago; makes me wonder if i truly changed as a person, or if that's something that i convince myself to believe.hah, i gush about people who probably don't even care about me, but that's how it be! (sadly)part of me really wants to know both of them better, but that means a ton of other things, and i can't be bothered. not to mention the fact that i feel like shit, but also want to die like hmm i don't know TODAY?! RIGHT NOW?!?!?? clearly my brain isn't in the right place to make new friends or maintain said friendships. new people only mean new trouble and so forth. someone take me off of this hellish ride.usually i regret my insomniac thoughts in the morning, but i don't mind this one, i think. in fact, it's probably my favorite one yet; it's filled with unfiltered thoughts and i'm speaking what's on my mind unabashedly without a care.not to say that i filter my thoughts in my previous entries, but they aren't as "real" (?) as this one, i hold back what i truly want to say, which ends up making the entry a waste. they're no fun to go back and reread, in my opinion. there are gaps that my brain automatically fills in that aren't there because - like i said before - i held back on saying this or that.
not sure what else i should add on today's entry, so that is all; hopefully i can ramble more honestly in my future entries. don't think anyone even reads these (hah).March 23rd, 2022to say that not being able to explain my situation to my friends is infuriating would be an understatement. it's not something that i can easily blurt out; it took me months after said incident to tell mimi about it and she was a complete sweetheart. ugh i swear i don't deserve someone as wonderful as her. i hope she's doing well in college and work right now. really hope she's taking those necessary breaks that she rightfully deserves. we haven't spoken in a few days, but her life stuff should be her top priority!okok so what else…..didn't play with mary after all yesterday, and i'm pretty sure the same applies to today, but i shouldn't be so mad about it. i don't know what she's been going through, and i just hope she focuses on herself. i think i'll give her her space until she feels comfortable enough and is in a better place to play. she's actually really cool and it's really uncool of me to be selfish like this. hmm, i wish i could help her somehow, even if it was just talking, but i also don't want to bother her or make her irritated by me intervening. hope things get better for her soon.i guess a part of me gets easily irritated over any little thing because the urge to become a hermit and ignore everyone is great again. my depression……..isn't fun. my brain manages to convince me with the whole "you're annoying and everyone would be wayyyy better off without you" shebang and like, okay so??? my friends have literally told me otherwise and how much they care. like brain, pls, shut up.i have been making an effort to talk to more people and i am slowly regretting it. i think i got so used to talking to only a few people that expanding my options scares me, almost. don't get me wrong - they seem like nice people and all - i just get exhausted socializing when i go out of my way to. if it's something that i have to do (like at a job for example), then of course i'm not gonna mind, but ahhhh. i wish i was more social sometimes. why am i such a hermit? and how does one stop being a hermit?? so many questions, so little time.kind of losing interest in things that i once found joy in, so that's…..great (not really). i've been dealing with this killer headache for about a week now, plus i'm always tired, even if i sleep early. think i'm losing more weight, which sucks big time. will life ever get better? or slightly more enjoyable at least? i'm not asking to suddenly win the lottery or anything, just something that makes life worth living, if that makes any sense.not much to say today, but i just wanted to write another entry for no particular reason, it seems.hope everyone is doing well. please take care and stay safe.March 22nd, 2022so no one was going to tell me that i was going to spend my whole evening rearranging my carrd? okay. i see how it is. i am currently listening to special place by bladee on repeat. someone should've told me how good bladee's music is like- ugh it's practically a crime at this point. might look into his music later, but i still need to go through yung lean's discography, but can't. too. lazy. that and i am emotionally attached to the songs that i do know, so there's that also. i have to work on that, because i call myself a "fan" of certain bands/artists, yet here i am, playing their older albums and singles on repeat. what even is this entry, anyway? more gibberish, that's what. just got a message from my friend, but i think i'm gonna ignore her. sometimes i wonder if she really cares or if she just texts me out of pity. it's hard to discern sometimes. i should end this entry here, but i will update if anything interesting happens, as the day literally just started. well, stay tuned!morning all, i slept at 4 (possibly 5?) and woke up around 8:30. the usual routine. still feel like crap from last night's meal. i hate him. nothing to report so far, but the conversation that rhiannon and i had keeps replaying in my head. when she told me that she was from texas, i immediately was like AHA I FUCKIN KNEW IT!!!!! and then proceeded to ask her what her favorite band was. i had an inkling that she was from there, but was wondering if it was just my imagination running amok with zero evidence, as per usual. i wanted to ask more questions, but we were still on the topic of us both being from texas and i was bummed out. i did however check out her favorite band and…..not my cup of tea, HOWEVER, i sort of get the appeal. sort of. not really. i already forgot the name of the band. oof i like her but not enough to remember the name, apparently. gotta go back and reread our messages again. MOVING ON- these days have been awfully quiet lately. i don't text a lot of people besides roxie, mary, and mimi (in that order?), though i will say that i have always preferred quality over quantity. this also led me to drop people who weren't really my friends, but i don't feel like talking about that. oh god, it just hit me that one day rhiannon might see this and she also has a ton of time to kill so hopefully she's busy with life shit then. guess i gotta write more so these past few entries regarding her will be too far in the bottom and ignored. whenever i see someone choose her character in apex, i immediately wonder why they're using her character. so silly. god, i want to play apex with her again. i get nervous as shit though, so maybe yesterday's entry isn't so accurate; not to mention how giddy i become, accompanied with a blush. hmm. that really was an inaccurate entry, but that's how i felt at the moment, anyway. might play apex with mary later, there's that to look forward to (maybe!). it's been a few weeks since we last played a match together, but i'm excited and happy knowing that she's feeling better so we can play again. i really wanna show her how much i've improved.also, i blame rhiannon and mary for introducing me to apex legends. whenever i get obsessed with something or someone, i overindulge in said thing. it's embarrassing, really.i have to shut up now. enjoy the rest of your day, everyone!March 21st, 2022it feels odd knowing that i don't plan on being here for very long. it's not something that i've thought about thoroughly, although i'm pretty dead set about it. it's probably selfish to want to leave on good terms with everyone and go out of my way to make memories that they'll love, even if i don't necessarily want to. i don't really know anymore. also! would it be weird to add my previous diary entries from my carrd because i technically started that first AND THEN made this here listo and aoshwjskwn. i wanna be consistent and place my thoughts... somewhere so i can just place them there and yeah! might make a website and just shove everything about myself on there, i have all the time in the world, anyway. we'll see, we'll see...actually, on second thought, i barely realized what a laborious task it would be to write my entries using html and i will not go through that hell again. my only flex is making a website from scratch in under an hour. that's it. that's the flex. then again... nope never mind.March 18, 2022lately i find it difficult to ascertain just who it is that i truly am, you know? won't get into it, but that's currently what's going on in the ol' noggin.March 13, 2022for someone who acts like nothing is wrong, i sure do fantasize about my death just a little too much. nothing seems to matter anymore, and i feel like such a bother to everyone, even if they don't tell me; like it's some secret that they all keep from me despite it being obvious. i thought she cared, but i was probably wrong. ANYWAYS! i'm gonna spend the rest of my evening ensconced in my room, listening to paper bag on repeat. night all!March 6, 2022starting a new digital journal - once again - despite not remembering when i actually deleted it. a lot has been on my mind, it's hard to ascertain the date it was deleted, but that doesn't really matter now, now does it? so here i am, in front of my laptop, starting anew. self-harmed today and decided that i am - in fact - an annoyance to everyone and that they hate me, despite having......... NO EVIDENCE. my mind fucking hates me and i want to die. i don't fucking know anymore, man. i'm tired of living, but i can't kill myself right now. life is unfair. life is cruel.September 4, 2021haven't written on here or worked on the site either lately. fuck, trent reznor was right: everyday is exactly the same.i'll probably go out for a bit (masked, of course!) just to get out of the little cave that is my room. maybe that'll help me somehow (?) i dunno. for once i haven't felt depressed; it's more of an emptiness, if anything. like i'm just going through the motions of everyday life, wondering why i'm not living up to the expectations that others put on me from a young age...it's weird, i guess.then there's that weird, constant feeling of "being on a set timer" so i have to listen to certain music & record my "last moments" or something. you can chalk it up to anxiety, but i don't think that that's the reason why. it just feels like i'm running out of time in general, it's not because of those said expectations, it's hard to explain, but it's a feeling that never seems to go away. i honestly am adamant on the fact that this feeling will probably never leave.August 25, 2021alrighty! my first entry on this site!! i was going to copy & paste my other online entries onto this website, but it's such a laborious task -- not that I'm a "busy individual" - believe me i'm not - but i just seldom have that kind of patience, so it's nice to start off on a fresh, clean slate, i suppose.i'm a bit bummed out about that, though....even if i don't have it in me to waste my time like that.anywho! i guess my (somewhat) puerile outlook on friendships is sort of dissipating now?? even if my friend brings up her other best friend, i shouldn't feel so jealous about their closeness & just be content with how we get along, rather than blaming myself for not having that closeness with her. it's stupid, but i mean i technically am the reason why we're not so close, but i'm working on it. i'm just really terrible at expressing how i feel.she's the only person that i text on a daily basis, so maybe that's why i feel so easily jealous, you know? i mean i text two other people, though not as frequently as i do with her. she's gonna be super busy soon with college, so i'm really going to have a lot of time to finish up some stuff on this site. it'll keep me busy, so i really don't see working on these pages as a "chore" or anything.i guess i just....a part of me doesn't want to lose her to someone else, which doesn't really make a whole lot of sense when i think about it. maybe i need to socialize more...despite me being horrible at doing so.it's already 3:59 a.m. & i should try to get some rest now. goodnight!